Japanese girl jerks off boyfriend in Starbucks Yamashina

You may have heard that Japanese people are reserved in public and are not sexually gregarious. As ever, claiming that one race of people are different from other humans almost always turns out to be orientalism (in the Edward Said sense of the word) and nonsense. With that said, prepare to have your perceptions of Japanese people shaken to their foundations.

I poop you not, these two people moved from another table to this one in a capacity Starbucks in Kyoto, Yamashina tonight. To my horror the guy then straddled the girl’s chair and nudged his crotch closer and closer to her. She then slid her hand into his and he repeatedly pulled his blazer around himself like a shield. She then buried her hand deeper and deeper into his crotch, took hold of his penis and start jerking him off. Wanking him. Tossing him off. Choking his chicken. Spanking his monkey. Bashing his bishop. Slapping his salami. Icing his cake. Making an animal out of his balloon. Hoisting his mainsail. Jump-starting his hadron collider. In a crowded cafe.

One suspects they are a new or illicit couple. Unless it was simply a joke that went wrong:

Horny Girl:
How do you take your coffee?

Sarcastic man:
Oh, the usual way. Rubbed into my erect penis in a crowded cafe while being photographed from behind by a sneaky gaijin holding his iPhone behind his Powerbook until the caffeine enters my bloodtream through osmosis.

Horny girl:
Right you are squire. Have at thee!

They nuzzled, they kissed and they looked around suspiciously. Her arm would stop its jackhammering when the staff walked past and the couple would share another deep kiss, as if to congratulate themselves on having not yet been busted. Somehow they failed to notice that they had inadvertently given me front row seats to the most stomach-turning PDE (public display of erection) imaginable.

A comrade of Of Rice and Zen sat with his back to the couple the whole time, no doubt oblivious, holding a private lesson. As my good friend Scott Casperson said when I told him what I’d seen, the lovebirds gave a whole new meaning to the common English teacher’s expression “holding a private in Starbucks”.

In three years of seeing the most f.u.b.a.r things I’ve ever seen in my life, this has to take the red-bean flavoured cake. It takes that confectionary and rubs it vigorously until the cream squirts out and gets all over the seat.

To my great annoyance, none of the other customers had noticed what was going on. That was until two new female customers arrived. Thankfully one of them noticed what the pair were doing as she approached the table next to me and told her friend. That sat down beside me and I overheard them discussing what was happening under their breath. I nodded that the girl was correct and that I too had noticed.

At this point in time the girl in the photo, having accomplished her Mission Improbable was urging the man to put his hand up her skirt. He tried but couldn’t get his hand up far enough and maintain the thin veil of innocence they thought they’d created. She offered him a pen with reach to better reach her but he, being clearly the more conservative of the pair, declined. She, sensing defeat, gave up her pleading and returned to kneading.

Soon afterward she seemed to get the impression that they had been rumbled. Minutes later the couple stood up to leave. The two friends and I began to discuss what had just taken place. They too were in shock and hadn’t seen anything like it. One of the girls professed to having done something similar, but not in quite so public a setting. She declined to expand any further on that. I think my WTF-o-metre was pretty much maxed out, so I was happy to drop it there.

At this point a foreign girl came in and sat down at the table so we secretly told one of the staff girls what had happened. She apologised and agreed that it might be best the seat was wiped down. She came and eyed up the chair from a distance but the foreign customer didn’t understand why and became uncomfortable. I explained to her that we had just witnessed a “spillage” and that I’d asked the barrista to clean the chair. The girl obligingly removed her bags to allow us access.

The staff girl told me that the couple come in fairly regularly but she’d had no idea what they’d been doing and hadn’t noticed when she’d squeezed past to take the garbage out. We all agreed it was probably against health and safety regulation, especially with kids in the cafe.  Among our myriad questions were these.

1. When the staff walked past them to take the garbage out she was literally inches from this guy’s back. If we assume these two aren’t married, are probably coworkers and if we take into account that she was a lot more insistent that this happen than he was, can we also assume that these two young professionals probably possess the necessary funds to go to a Love Hotel but eschewed that option in favour of having sex in a very public place?

2. Have you ever seen anything like this in your life?

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